JUST GIVE UP ALREADY!
That title was pure click-bait. I would never tell you to give up. But I would say that sometimes it's in your best interest to just give in. And there's a big difference.
Let me tell you about Goldie.
Our current house came with a koi pond filled with hundreds of goldfish. The history of the fish that have come and gone in some pretty tragic ways since we moved here is a long one that includes a blue heron, a pump malfunction, and a few hose water overdoses. The list is dramatic enough that we were down to just a few remaining goldfish and almost gave up on having fish in the pond at all. But we finally decided that if we were going to have this great pond, it needed to be more than just a water feature. So our current tribe includes five gorgeous koi, ten colorful goldfish, a new crop of at least five babies, and one giant frog.
When I brought the koi home, they were each in big, separate plastic bags filled halfway with some of their previous tank water. All of them stayed pretty still in a sort of stunned state on the car ride home—all except one.
Goldie (named by our grandson) wasn't having it. He was panicked and feisty and tried to jump out of his bag - flopping against the top and falling back down - repeatedly the whole way home. He was, no doubt, terrified, confused, and exhausted.
Albeit pathetic, that puny and bare tank that I snatched Goldie from was "safe." He survived there. He got daily food and swam with other fish. It was an OK, uneventful life and all he had ever known. Then someone came along, plucked him out of his comfort zone, and took him in a new direction. Goldie struggled. Goldie fought. Goldie exhausted himself in protest against this unexpected, scary change because he had no idea what was coming.
At least 50 times bigger than his previous home, our pond has a large deep end that flows under a bridge and down to a narrow, shallow end with a small rock waterfall. A fountain, lily pads, and flowering water plants combined with the surrounding deck, gazebo, and wooded landscape create a stunning environment for humans and fish alike to enjoy and thrive.
As Goldie fretted and flopped around during that ride home, I kept thinking to myself, "you have no idea what's in store for you - calm down, you're going to love it!" The change that Goldie fought so hard against was going to improve his life immeasurably. But Goldie didn't know that, and he had no reason to trust me. And I relate to that. How often do we fight to stay with what we know or dig in with dogged determination because we're stubborn - or, more accurately, afraid? Resisting change and trying to control our circumstances seem to be part of the overall human condition.
Having lived for more than half a century with 36 years of marriage and raising four boys under my belt, I think I'm finally learning to accept the fact that I control nothing, except how I react to all the things I can't control - and the freedom is glorious!
Oh, I am most certainly a fighter with a determined don't-quit spirit (born that way - just ask my mother). And while giving up is not in my nature, I have learned that the liberating act of gracefully giving in is an altogether different matter - not a defeat, but a personal, self-respecting victory. A gift that comes with time and maturity and almost always results in something better than whatever I was trying to control or maintain.
So how do you know when to keep fighting or to let it go? That's tricky, with a lot of factors involved. I'm not talking about corporate fights against injustice or standing up for the marginalized here – of course, there is no giving in there. I'm talking about assessing situations in your own personal life. In that light, here's a simple test to break it all down:
Is it in the realm of possibility for you to control the outcome (in a healthy, non-manipulative way for all involved)?
YES? Go on then - fight!
NO? Give in gracefully.
Here's a "YES" Example: Want to be healthier - mentally and physically? You control that, so never give up! Never surrender! Eat better, move more, remove yourself from toxic situations, refuse to allow others to define you, accept help, etc.
And here's a "NO" example: Pretty much every other life scenario that involves other humans. (And yes, this includes how your kids turn out. Of course, you never – ever - give up on them, but you can't control the outcomes because the outcomes are their own. What you CAN do is love them – and keep loving them through all of their own choices.)
We've had Goldie for over a year now, and he is thriving. He has doubled in size, his color is crazy gorgeous, and he has the biggest appetite of all the fish. All indicators are that he is delighted with his new home and would never trade it for the sub-par conditions he was fighting so hard to maintain on that tumultuous ride home over a year ago.
Now, granted, Goldie didn't really have a choice - but we always do. So, fight with all the fiery passion you possess when the results are within your grasp - and never give up! But don't discount the beauty and freedom that come with knowing when to gracefully give in.
When you humbly accept that some circumstances will always be out of or your control - and instead focus on improving what you can control - you are trading your bare, puny tank for an oasis. It may not feel that way at first but give it time - and I promise that what will eventually emerge is a healthier, more vibrant, more peaceful, and happier you.
And this world needs that.
